You know how you are filled with regrets when your loved one passed away and you could do nothing to amend the mistake of what you could have done earlier.
This was what happened to me when my Ah Ma passed away. The news came to me really sudden and unexpected. When my dad broke the news to me, I was shocked. I took a while to digest the fact that she had already retired from this world. She was my favourite Ah Ma, even though we did not have much interaction with each other in recent years (due to internal conflict).
I remembered we used to have dinners at her place. I really missed her cooking. The last time we had dinner together was eons ago. There would be no chance to savour it anymore. I would definitely miss her calling me by the weird and eccentric nickname(s) she gave me. I would never hear it coming from her mouth ever again.
A month ago or so, I was thinking if I have the time, I would go and visit her. I never did. The last time I saw her? Chinese New Year.
I remembered giving her a warm hug, sitting at her couch and watching the television together as a family. When we were leaving, we waved goodbye. She stood by the gate watching us leave. While waiting for the lift, I waved back several times. I missed her so much even though I did not show it. I could tell she was sad that we were leaving.
At least, she passed away peacefully. No stress, just calmness on her face. It really consoled me a lot.
Life is full of regrets. If we do/don't do something knowing we will regret later in the future, why do we still carry on with our decision? Humans tend to contradict themselves.
Now, I could never feel her hugs, taste her cooking or see her anymore.
"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in." - Katherine Mansfield
Rest in peace Ah Ma. You will be deeply missed and you will live in my heart forever. I love you!